


crushed little stars

by neenswrites



Series: Kenma Ship Week [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, One-Sided Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, One-sided Hinata Shouyou/Everyone, Star tear disease AU, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25879654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neenswrites/pseuds/neenswrites
Summary: When Kenma was 13, he swore to himself that he would never, ever get star tear disease.Three years later, he met Hinata Shouyou.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: Kenma Ship Week [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850572
Comments: 72
Kudos: 614
Collections: Creative Chaos Discord Recs, Kenma Ship Week 2020, Recommended KuroKen Fics, Work's I've Finished, you_haven't_lived_if_you_haven't_read_these_masterpieces





	crushed little stars

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR AGES NOW
> 
> LOTS of things came up in my personal life, so I had to put this fic on hold (i wanted to post it for angst day for kenma ship week) BUT [mads](https://twitter.com/todxrxki) commissioned me to I could finish it which is so damn sweet and i owe her my life
> 
> [CHRISTY](https://twitter.com/kodzukuro) BETA READ THIS WHOLE THING AND HAS BEEN HELPING ME WITH THIS SINCE I FIRST CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA AND HAS SAT THROUGH EVERY ANGST FILLED SCENARIO I THREW AT HER AND I LOVE HER FOR THAT
> 
> ALSO THIS WOULDNT BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT THIS [THREAD](https://twitter.com/rchimedesu/status/1246209686682185730) THAT WAS BROUGHT TO US BY THIS [ACCOUNT](https://twitter.com/rchimedesu) \- thank you for introducing western/english twitter to this au, translators don’t get enough recognition and i literally wouldnt be writing this fic if not for them
> 
> um so yes, i worked very hard on this and i hope you like it and thank you clicking on the link and giving this story a try
> 
> (for maximum angst potential i recommend listening to all i wanted by paramore bc that song played on a loop while i wrote this)
> 
> EDIT: the incredible seon drew [art](https://twitter.com/crimse0n/status/1296401858597093377?s=20) inspired by this fic THAT TOOK MY BREATH AWAY OH MY GOODNESS

Kozume Kenma was 13 when he saw star tears for the first time.

He’d been sitting in class, barely paying attention while one of his classmates read an excerpt from the book they were studying. At least the girl had a nice voice. She dictated each word clearly, and hadn’t even stuttered once. But her voice wasn’t nice enough for Kenma to actually care about what was going on in the story. So, all in all, it should’ve been an easily forgettable moment in his life.

Until Kenma heard what sounded like the soft ringing of bells. Half a second later, the boy sitting behind him loudly jumped from his seat. Kenma whirled around at the sound of a chair toppling over, and his eyes went wide as he looked at the boy. 

The first thing Kenma noticed about the tears of the boy behind him was the way they glowed. He’d heard about star tear disease, but he’d never seen it in person. Had never seen anything like it in general. The stars that fell looked almost like constellations in the night sky but so these were so much brighter - felt so much more real.

The second thing Kenma noticed about the tears of the boy in front of him was the way they burned.

No one ever talked about how the star tears were hot. It made sense in hindsight. They were the physical manifestation of love unrequited, of pain so strong stars were born of it. And stars were the hottest thing known in existence. Of course the tears would be hot.

They didn’t seem to bother the boy actually crying the tears. Maybe that was the one kindness they offered. They’d burn and burn and burn, but they’d never burn the person crying them. They were already suffering anyway. 

But the tears didn’t hesitate to hurt anyone caught in the crossfire. And as a full-body sob wracked through his classmate, a single tear arched through the air and landed on Kenma’s wrist. 

The sound that was ripped out of Kenma at the pain was louder than any noise he had ever made. 

Kenma had burned his wrist on the stove once. He’d been too impatient, trying to get a peek at the filling his mother was making for his favorite pie. He’d bumped his wrist against the stove, and then cried for hours after.

This pain was a hundred times worse than that. Kenma gripped his hand around his wrist and pulled it close to his chest as he leaned as far away as possible from the other boy. He refused to cry in front of everyone, but he couldn’t help the way his eyes began to sting. The pain was so intense he was having difficulty breathing, and it had only been a single tear.

“Kogane-kun!” Kenma was nearly knocked over as his teacher rushed to his classmates' side. Oh, his name was Kogane. Kenma had never noticed. 

Kenma wondered if the person Kogane was in love with even knew his name. He watched as the teacher tried to console him and guide him out of the classroom, as the other students stopped and stared; how the girl who’d been reading was now gawking at the boy with poorly concealed horror - and thought this was an awful thing to go through for someone who might not even know your name.

“It was awful,” he’d told Kuroo when his best friend had come over that evening to ask why Kenma had skipped practice. “I don’t understand why someone would choose that.”

“They don’t really choose, Kenma,” Kuroo said, though he sounded a bit unsure himself. “I think it just sort of happens. It’s not anybody’s fault.”

Kenma frowned at the words. Something that just happened. That was the most terrifying thing he’d ever heard in his life.

When Kenma was 13, he swore to himself that he would never, ever get star tear disease. 

Three years later, he met Hinata Shouyou.

##  -

“Kenma!” Hinata burst through the door with a hug, and Kenma tried not to let the surprise of it cause him to blush. He’d been hugged by Hinata before. This was no different. “I’m so glad I got to see you and your new place before I left for Brazil.”

Well, perhaps this was a little different.

“What time does your flight leave tomorrow?” Kenma asked as he passed Hinata a bottle of Ramune. If he’d kept an extra case of the drink in the back of his fridge for the past three weeks, it wasn’t like anyone else needed to know.

“Tomorrow morning, before the sun even rises,” Hinata said with a pout, before he perked up again. “That means I’ve got lots of people to see in a little bit of time. After here, I’m going to see Bokuto and Akaashi, and Atsumu said he was in Tokyo too.”

Right. Hinata was seeing all his friends before his flight. Kenma wasn’t special. He couldn’t let himself forget that.

“That sounds like a fun day,” Kenma said evenly before bringing his mug of hot chocolate to his lips. 

“Yeah, but I doubt any of it is going to be as incredible as this!” Kenma’s eyes snapped up, but Hinata wasn’t looking at him. He was gaping up at his house and gesturing wildly at it. Kenma tried to ignore the way his heart was racing in his chest. “You’re only a year older than me, and you already have your own house! And it has a gaming room and everything!”

It was funny, how he could remind himself over and over again not to hope, and hope would still rise. Hope was cruel like that.

“Thanks again for the sponsorship,” Hinata said as Kenma walked him to the door. “I don’t know how to repay you, but I promise I’ll find a way!”

“Win,” Kenma said with a small shrug. 

Hinata titled his head at Kenma before he smiled so large it stole the breath from Kenma’s chest. “I was going to do that anyway.”

Kenma was left standing there several minutes after Hinata left. As soon as he got himself together, he pulled his phone from his pocket, and dialed the first contact.

By the time the call was answered, his eyes were already welling up with tears.

“How was it?” Kuroo asked. The two of them were beyond the need for greetings, especially since Kuroo had known about this visit for as long as Kenma had.

“It could’ve been worse,” Kenma said, his voice barely even wavering. The tears were spilling over now, and Kenma watched as they fell to land on the floor with a soft hiss, collecting into a puddle that seemed to reflect every color in the spectrum before they all faded away at once.

The sun was the most important star of them all. Of course his tears would blaze like one.

One good thing about old rentals like these was that they were built back when star tear disease was a much more prevalent issue. The house was capable of taking more than a little heat.

Kuroo hummed on the other line. “I’m free now, if you want. Or I can give you some time alone. Whichever works best for you.”

Kenma hesitated before he softly said, “There’s this new penguin documentary on Netflix.”

“Then I’ll start heading over now,” Kuroo said immediately, and Kenma could hear the sound of rustling from the other side of the call. “I can pick something up on the way since you never bother using that big kitchen of yours.”

He was teasing him, trying to cheer him up, and Kenma couldn’t help but feel like he was taking advantage of Kuroo’s generosity. He’d always been an incredible best friend, but sometimes Kenma felt like he asked for too much.

“Kuro…” Kenma started, wanting to tell Kuroo that if he was in the middle of something, Kenma could wait.

“Kenma,” Kuroo said gently, cutting him off. “Don’t worry about it, okay? Not with me, at least.”

Kenma sighed, but knew he couldn’t fight him on this. Besides being his best friend, Kuroo also understood where Kenma was coming from. 

Because Kuroo had been suffering from star tear disease for years now. And to this day, Kuroo still had no clue that Kenma knew about it.

If only Kenma knew who Kuroo had the tears for.

##  -

When Kenma first saw Hinata, he hadn’t thought much of him. He’d never been for love at first sight, and Hinata was not the exception.

However, Kenma did believe in a lasting first impression.

When he saw Hinata call himself a middle blocker, he’d been surprised but intrigued. When he saw Hinata play, saw Hinata  _ fly _ , Kenma had been captivated. 

He honestly expected Hinata to forget about him quickly enough after that. There was Inuoka, and Yamamoto, and Fukunaga, and lots of other people on the team for Hinata to focus on. He was used to observing people anyway, and observing was always a one-sided affair.

Well, in hindsight, he supposed his relationship with Hinata followed that path anyway.

But regardless of that, Hinata had asked him for his email.

“So we can talk to each other, of course,” he’d said when Kenma had asked why he even needed it. Kenma looked back at him and shock, and Hinata looked at Kenma like he was dumb. “How else are we supposed to stay friends, Kenma?”

Kenma often called Hinata the first friend he made by himself, but in all reality, it was Hinata who did most of the leg work. He shined bright, a light that illuminated the way for others even though nobody asked him to, even though he never even meant to. It was just who he was. Any light of his that happened to warm anyone else was just collateral damage. 

But Kenma was alright with that, because he really liked Hinata. Like,  _ really _ liked him. He’d never met anyone else like him in his entire life, and he just seemed so interested in Kenma. Not because he had to be, or felt obligated to, or wanted anything from him. He just was.

So they messaged each other. It wasn’t every day, or even every week, but it was often enough that it made Kenma happy.

And then one day Kenma was playing a game on his bed, Kuroo on the floor working on his homework, when his phone went off in quick succession. 

“Someone’s popular,” Kuroo commented as Kenma reached to grab it, and Kenma just rolled his eyes.

Until he realized it was Hinata who texted him. He fought hard to keep his face impassive as he read the many messages waiting for him.

**Shouyou:**

**kenma!!!!!**

**i played the game you were talking about**

**the one with the knight and the dragon**

**its so hard how did u even get past the first round**

**even my whole team tried, and no one could get it**

Kenma blinked rapidly as he read the messages over and over again. Hinata had listened to him about his games. Hinata had remembered the game, and had thought of Kenma after playing it. Kenma felt his entire face go red, and his chest become warm, and he slowly realized why he was so interested in Hinata.

“Wow, your face is so red - are you messaging Shrimpy?” Kuroo said with a laugh as he rested his elbow on Kenma’s bed. Kenma opened his mouth soundlessly, and all humor drained from Kuroo’s face. “Wait, are you really messaging him?”

“I,” Kenma croaked out, the sound of it making him blush even more fiercely. But he had to tell Kuroo, because he had no idea what to do with this information. He’d never liked someone like this before. 

“I...I think I have a crush. On Shouyou.”

Kuroo looked at Kenma with wide eyes, and Kenma felt panic well up in his chest. Kenma hadn’t ever talked to Kuroo about things like this. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable talking about Kenma’s love life. Maybe it was strange to him so talk about the romantic interest of someone he’d known for so long. Kenma knew he didn’t particularly like it when Kuroo talked about whoever his latest crush was.

“Huh,” was what Kuroo ended up saying. Kenma wanted to throw his pillow at him. Kuroo looked contemplative for a few more moments before an annoying smirk stretched across his lips. “Wouldn’t have thought that was your type. Don’t tell me Lev gives you butterflies in your stomach, too.”

This time Kenma did actually throw his pillow at him. Kuroo caught it with a laugh.

“Seriously though Kenma,” Kuroo started once he finally settled down. “I’m glad you told me. It looks like he makes you really happy.”

Kuroo pointed his chin at Kenma’s phone, and Kenma ducked his head in embarrassment.

“He does.”

Kuroo hummed, and went back to his work, and Kenma tried coming up with a response that wouldn’t make his crush abundantly clear.

Later that night, Kenma was laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He gave up on trying to beat his game because he was too busy thinking about Hinata, but now he was just laying in bed doing the same thing. 

Was this how crushes worked for everyone? If so, it was incredibly inconvenient. Worth it, but still exasperating. 

Kenma smiled. That was an apt way of describing Hinata as well.

Not his laugh though. Hinata’s laugh was one of Kenma’s favorite things. If he thought about it enough, it was like he could almost hear it. 

Suddenly, Kenma’s eyes started to well up with tears. He sat up quickly, confused and disoriented, and wiped hastily at his face. Why the hell had he started crying out of nowhere?

It was until his eyes were clear again and he was able to make out the streaks of color that were now spread across his hands.

Streaks of color that Kenma had only seen once in his life before.

Oh.

It wasn’t just a crush. Kenma was in love. He was in love, but he wasn’t loved in return.

Kenma stared at his hands until he laughed, and laughed until he cried, and cried until he sobbed. 

He understood now what his thirteen year old self couldn’t. If someone had a choice, they would never choose this.

##  -

Hinata leaving for Brazil ended up being a lot worse than Kenma thought it was going to be. He maybe took for granted that before, he could call or text Hinata at pretty much anytime and expect a response.

Now they were halfway across the world from each other, and coordinating a time to talk was a nightmare. This was only made worse by the fact that Kenma was busy with his channel and his company, and Hinata was busy trying to desperately make a name for himself in Brazil.

And Kenma was so proud of him, so ridiculously proud of him. But he missed Hinata so much.

“You should tell him that,” Kuroo said as they sat in Kenma’s living room eating take out. Kenma made a face at him, but Kuroo just shrugged. “Shrimpy is on his own in a completely different country. I’m sure he’d like to hear about how much he’s missed, especially from you.”

“Especially from me?” Kenma repeated sardonically. “I’m sure there are plenty of other people Shouyou would want to hear that from even more.”

“Hey,” Kuroo chastised with a frown. “You’re important to him. You know that.”

Kenma frowned, and poked at his food silently. Kuroo took that as his cue to continue.

“Plus, I’m sure you’re one of the busiest people he knows.” Kuroo grinned then, and Kenma knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth. “I’m sure he’d be ecstatic that the worldwide famous Kodzuken missed little beach volleyball player Hinata.”

“Stop calling me that.” Kenma hesitated then, and then averted his eyes as he added, “And Shouyou isn’t a little beach volleyball player. Or, at least he won’t be for long.”

Kuroo was silent for a moment, and Kenma chanced a glance at him to see that now he was the one poking at his food.

“That’s why  _ you _ need to tell him you miss him,” Kuroo said lowly. “You’ll mean it the most. And he’ll be able to feel that.”

Kenma bit his lip and contemplated Kuroo’s words. It would be embarrassing to tell Hinata that he missed him. It would also require a terrifying level of vulnerability. 

But if it would make Hinata happy, then he’d do it.

So that night, after Kuroo went back to his apartment, Kenma sent Hinata a message saying three simple words: I miss you.

Kenma hadn’t expected a reply, but for the first time since he left, Hinata replied immediately.

**Shouyou:**

**kenma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**i miss you too!!!!!!**

**i actually was going to message you about video calling sometime soon?????**

Kenma’s heart skipped a beat. Hinata had missed him too. He had missed him so much that he’d been hoping they could video call.

Kenma replied immediately, telling Hinata he was okay with video calling as long as it worked with both of their schedules. There had been a lengthy pause, but then Hinata was replying with dates and times for the upcoming week.

Kenma’s heart started to race. That was so soon.

Hinata had sent an option that was two days from then, and Kenma bit his lip as he looked at the time. He was supposed to have a meeting with some investors...but they could wait. He replied to Hinata confirming the date and time, and quickly wrote another email to his assistant asking to reschedule the investor meeting. When Kenma returned to his chat with Hinata, he was greeted with a barrage of exclamation points. 

Kenma smiled, and buried his face into his pillow. He really did miss Hinata so much.

When they finally got the chance to see each other, Kenma was nervous. It had only been a few months since he’d last seen Hinata, but had his hair grown out too long? Should he change out of his hoodie? Would Hinata notice the bags under his eyes?

Kenma clenched his fist, digging his nail into his palms to steady himself. This was Hinata. He didn’t have to try to be someone else. He’d always accepted him as he was. 

Turning on his monitor, Kenma settled at his desk and tried not to drum his fingers on the wood. He clicked aimlessly at his screen, looking over his most recent video, until a pop-up appeared on the bottom right corner of the screen with Hinata’s name.

Kenma’s heart began to race. He shakily dragged his mouse over to the box, and clicked accept.

A moment later, Hinata’s beaming face was spread across his entire screen. Kenma smiled back despite himself.

“Kenma!” Hinata exclaimed happily. “Wow, your video quality is so good!”

“Oh,” Kenma said, nervously tucking some of his hair behind his ear. He hadn’t considered that. “It’s just the camera I use for streaming.”

“Oh, that’s so cool!” Kenma looked away and tried to will away his blush. Because of this, he missed the way Hinata turned to look at someone on his side of the call. It wasn’t until Hinata started speaking in an unidentifiable language that Kenma looked back in confusion.

As Hinata finished speaking, there was a loud crash, and then suddenly a complete stranger appeared beside Hinata. He was looking excitedly at Kenma, and speaking so quickly he was beginning to get overwhelmed. Hinata pulled the stranger back with a laugh, and gestured off screen at something.

“Sorry about that, Pedro was just really excited,” Hinata said with a smile. “He’s my roommate and he thought it was so cool when he found out I knew you! He’s a big fan! So I was going to ask you if you minded if he sat with us and got to talk…”

Kenma couldn’t focus enough to catch the rest of what Hinata was saying. His chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself, and his breaths were coming in too short. Without a second thought, Kenma shut down the program, then his monitor, then his entire set up. 

He stood, bracing himself on his arms over his desk, and didn’t even try to fight as a full-body sob wracked his entire body.

Because he was an idiot. He was so  _ stupid _ . Of course Hinata wasn’t excited to see him. His roommate was just some fan, and Hinata was doing the Hinata thing and trying to do something nice for him.

God, how could Kenma have been so dumb?

He wiped at his eyes, desperate to get himself under control, when he noticed the state of his keyboard. His tears had dispersed on his keyboard, melting the keys and filling his room with the smell of burnt plastic. 

Oh. Kenma despondently picked up the now damaged keyboard, and tossed it in the waste bin by his desk. He then shot a short message to Hinata about a shitty internet connection, and dragged himself into his bed. 

If his pillowcase burned, what did it matter? He could buy new ones. He was the worldwide famous Kodzuken, after all.

##  -

One of the first things Kenma did after realizing he had star tear disease was tell Kuroo. There was no way he could handle this alone, and there was no one else he could trust with something as delicate and embarrassing as this.

“You have what?” Kuroo asked in complete disbelief. They were sitting in Kenma’s room, Kuroo on the edge and Kenma sitting against the headboard. Kuroo looked at Kenma as if nothing about what he said made sense, and he was just waiting for Kenma to make everything right again. “You can’t, there’s no way--”

“I can show you the scorch marks on my pillow case,” Kenma said, voice completely devoid of emotion. “Or maybe the ones on my sweater, or blanket, or if we talk about Hinata enough I’m sure you could actually see them in person.”

Kenma was suddenly pulled into a hug, Kuroo’s arms wrapping around him and pulling him into his chest. Kenma bit his lip to keep the tears he felt welling up in his eyes from falling. For all he knew, they could be star tears. 

From then on, Kuroo became his support system.

When things got too much, he could call Kuroo and he’d come over to distract him. If he ever needed to talk, Kuroo would answer all of his calls. When he had a particularly bad bout of tears, Kuroo would come with whatever treat he could find for Kenma and just sit with him in silence.

It meant more to Kenma than he could say. He didn’t know how he, or anyone for that matter, would be able to get through something like this without a friend like Kuroo. 

Then Kenma found out about the training camp. The idea of spending so much time with Hinata was somehow both the best and the most awful thing in the world. Kenma hated his tears, hated his feelings, hated that they could get in the way of what should be an incredible experience for him to be with Hinata.

Completely and utterly despised that they were unrequited.

“It’s not like I don’t understand it,” Kenma said to Kuroo as they sat on the bleachers that overlooked an old, beaten volleyball net. As soon as they’d left practice, Kenma had led them towards the old park. Kuroo said nothing as he followed him, and they’d sat in silence until then. 

“What do you mean?” Kuroo replied, turning his head to look at Kenma. Kenma kept his eyes trained on the sunset. 

“I get why he doesn’t feel the same way,” Kenma said. He shrugged as if he meant it, as if it didn’t hurt him to think about, as if the fact that the sound of Hinata’s laughter was perfectly harmonized with the sound of his tears didn’t utterly crush him. “Hinata is so good. Everyone likes being around him, everyone is  _ better _ around him. I don’t...have that same effect on people.”

Kenma had pretty much the opposite effect. When people were loud, energetic, and passionate and he was the one to bring them back down to earth. He’d done it with Lev and Yamamoto plenty of times.

Kuroo clicked his tongue. “You don’t let a lot of people get close to you, you know that, right?”

Kenma curled more tightly around himself. He didn’t need Kuroo to tell him that.

“That’s not a bad thing, Kenma.” Kuroo’s frank tone finally tugged at Kenma’s curiosity, and he titled his head to look at Kuroo from the corner of his eyes. He didn’t know what to make of the bemused smile on his face. “But I do think it messes with your frame of reference a little.”

Kenma narrowed his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kuroo sighed before turning fully on his seat to face his body at Kenma. “Most people have to work to know you. It’s not easy, and you sometimes go out of your way to make it harder than it needs to be.”

Kenma’s eyes dropped to the ground.

“But Kenma,” and Kenma nearly startled as Kuroo’s hand came up to brush his hair behind his ear. Kuroo sighed again, this one softer and sounding sort of resigned. “Kenma, everyone who does get to know you never regrets it. Look at the team. They adore you.”

Kenma looked at Kuroo with wide eyes. “They don’t adore me,” he said quietly.

“They do.” Kuroo nodded once, a small smile on his face. “They’d do anything for you, you know that. Because you’re good, too.”

Kenma’s hands gripped tightly at pants as he swallowed roughly. “Thanks, Kuro.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Kuroo replied easily, standing up and stretching his arms high. From that angle, Kenma was unable to see his face, and that bothered him for a reason he couldn’t quite place. Kuroo stayed staring at the sunset for a few moments, before he cleared his throat and leaned over to pick up both their bags in one smooth motion. 

“We should start heading back soon, before it gets too dark,” Kuroo said as he let his long legs carry him effortlessly down the bleachers. 

Kenma frowned. He knew he would look much more awkward waddling down the seats. However, as he took his first couple of steps, he stilled. Over the gentle spring wind, he swore he could hear the faint sound of bells. Even stranger was that the melody sounded familiar to Kenma. He couldn’t place it, but nostalgia washed over him as the sound continued. 

“You okay?” Kuroo called out, still looking away from Kenma. He was pressing his hands against his eyes, and Kenma frowned. He must’ve stared at the sun for too long. “Are the bleachers that difficult for your tiny legs to climb down?”

Kenma glared at the back of Kuroo’s head. The idiot didn’t deserve Kenma’s concern. Annoyed with him as he was, he didn’t notice the burnt grass that lay dead just in front of Kuroo’s feet.

##  -

The thing about Hinata was that he never asked his questions with any expectations. He would voice his objection with an answer, but not because he wanted something else. It would only be because it didn’t make sense to him. If it did make sense, he would drop the topic all together.

When Hinata asked Kenma what had happened with the video call, Kenma had said bad connection, and they never talked about it again. The hiccup hadn’t stopped their friendship in the slightest.

Kenma slowly realized that it wasn’t all that different from how they’d spent the last year. Kenma had been in college, and had less time for basically everyone in his life. Hinata had somehow become even more focused on volleyball. Yes, the time difference was a bitch, but other than it’s existence, he and Hinata talked almost the same amount as they always had. 

The distance just made them feel more disconnected than they really were. The thought was a comfort to Kenma. They weren’t drifting away.

It wasn’t the best situation, but it was better than nothing.

Life still happened to Kenma regardless of it. He got bigger, got more recognition, got even more challenging classes at university. He’d catch up to the world around him, and then suddenly there was something new waiting for him.

Like his 100 million subscribers. Kenma couldn’t believe it. It was surreal and ridiculous and he didn’t even know what to say to the people who supported him.

Kuroo insisted that they need to celebrate.

“Do you know how few people hit 100 million subscribers?” Kuroo asked as they sat at Kenma’s kotatsu. He had a bottle of plum wine that was much too expensive and much too big, and Kenma was looking at him with a flat stare. 

“I’ll celebrate by doing a special stream and giveaway or something.” Kenma curled his body forward, resting his elbows on the tabletop. “What does getting drunk do anyway?”

“It’s about the fun of it!” Kuroo poured a glass for each of them, but he didn’t push either of them to Kenma. “You worked hard to get here. You’re allowed to celebrate. If you want to, that is.”

Kenma eyed Kuroo before dropping his gaze to the cup.

“Fine.” He ignored how giddy Kuroo looked. It would just annoy him more. “But only one cup.”

Several cups later, they were both lying flat on their backs. They had gotten too warm to stay under the kotatsu, but Kenma was loath to wander too far from his favorite piece of furniture. So they both lay on the ground beside two of the table’s adjacent sides, their heads nearly touching as they stared at the blank ceiling. 

“This is nice.” Kenma couldn’t see Kuroo’s face as he spoke, but he could hear the contentment in his voice.

“It is.” His body felt warm all over, and his head was buzzing pleasantly. It was the nice type of tipsy that Kenma actually enjoyed.

He could hear Kuroo turn his head, and felt Kuroo’s hair just barely brush his face. “I’m glad you agree. Especially considering how resistant you were to this.”

“It’s not-- I’m not--” Kenma groaned, and brought his hands to press hard into his eyes. “It just doesn’t feel right to toast or drink or whatever. I feel like I cheated, or something. Like I don’t really...I don’t know.” 

Kenma pursed his lips. He hadn’t wanted to tell all of that to Kuroo. He blamed the wine.

“I knew it.” There was the sound of rustling, and Kenma bet in his head that Kuroo was turning to lie on his side. “You didn’t want to celebrate because you don’t think you deserve this.”

“I didn’t say that.” Kenma peaked through his fingers to stare at the ceiling through the gaps. It was almost like when he used his hair to cover his peripherals, except better. “It just seems dumb to celebrate it. I didn’t really do anything.”

“I can think of a hundred million people who disagree.” Kuroo’s voice was soft in the way that reminded Kenma of late nights in each other’s childhood home, and he found himself tilting his head back to look at Kuroo as he spoke. He was right. Kuroo was on his side, looking directly as Kenma. “You did something for them Kenma. A lot of something, if their support is anything to go by. They adore you.”

Kenma’s breath hitched as he exhaled. It was rough, and it hurt in that way when your body moves in a way you weren’t expecting it to. Not in a way it wasn’t able to, but a way that was startling unfamiliar.

“Kuro.” Kenma didn’t really know why he called his name, but Kuroo answered with a hum of acknowledgement and before he could think, he was asking, “Who are your star tears for?”

Kuroo’s entire body froze. Kenma pressed his lips into a hard line and kept his eyes trained on ground as Kuroo abruptly sat up.

“You know?” He asked incredulously, his voice sounded completely breathless. “How do you know, how on earth--”

“I’ve known since high school.” Silence met Kenma at his words, and he rolled fully onto his side to curl in on himself. They were having a good time. Everything was fine. Why did he have to ruin the moment by bringing this up now?

“Since high school,” Kuroo repeated, his voice devoid of all emotion. “You’ve known since high school and you never said anything.”

Anger surged in Kenma, and he sat up to look at Kuroo properly. “I never said anything because  _ you  _ never said anything! I didn’t mean to find out, and then I was just waiting for you to tell me.” Kenma’s chest heaved as Kuroo stared at him in disbelief. He dropped his gaze, and clenched his jaw as he continued, “But you never did. Even though you knew everything about me and my tears, you never told me anything about yours.”

“Kenma--”

“And that hurt.” Kenma felt tears begin to collect in his eyes. It had been a while since he’d cried anything but star tears, but the tears beginning to roll down his face had nothing but water and salt. “I don’t know what I did, or why you don’t trust me, or why you thought I wouldn’t be there for you, or--”

Kenma cut himself off with a hiccup, and the sound snapped him back to himself. His eyes widened in embarrassment, and he was unable to even make out the expression on Kuroo’s face through his tears. He wiped hastily at his eyes, and tried to fight back the mortified flush he knew was rising on his cheeks.

Kuroo was never supposed to hear any of that. Kuroo was never even supposed to know that Kenma knew anything. 

As he tried to get his tears under control, Kenma felt a hand wrap around his wrist. He blinked once, and then he was being pulled into a hug so fierce Kenma thought he would melt into Kuroo.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo choked, and Kenma realized he was crying. He wanted to pull back and look at him properly, but the hand Kuroo had placed on the back of his head stopped him. “Kenma, I swear, I never meant to make you feel like that.” Kuroo’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Of course I trust you. Of course I do. God Kenma, I…”

Kuroo trailed off, and Kenma wrapped his arms around his waist. Guilt tugged at him and he pressed his head harder against Kuroo’s chest. 

“I know,” Kenma said softly. “I’m sorry, too. I should’ve said something, I just…”

“You never thought you would have to,” Kuroo finished easily for him, and Kenma sighed. That was exactly it. But still, Kenma shouldn’t have put Kuroo on the spot like this.

“You don’t have to tell me who it is.” This close to Kuroo, Kenma caught the way his heart started beating faster. He tightened his grip around him. “I mean it. I’m sorry for springing that on you. It wasn’t fair.”

“Okay.” Kuroo threaded his fingers through Kenma’s hair and Kenma turned his head so his cheek was now pressed against Kuroo’s chest. “I haven’t told anyone else, if that helps. And I’ll tell you one day, I swear.”

Kenma didn’t like that no one knew. It meant that Kuroo was dealing with this alone. But they’d fought enough for one night. So he just nodded, closing his eyes as Kuroo’s heartbeat lulled him to sleep and drowned any sounds of bells.

He missedMissing the way Kuroo’s tears reflected stars as they hit his floor before fading away.

-

Later that week, his conversation with Kuroo was still heavy on his mind, and he decided to call someone who might better help him understand.

“Wow, the great Kozume has decided to grace me with a call,” Tsukishima said. Kenma didn’t even flinch.

“Can I ask you something?” Kenma asked. Tsukishima made an impatient noise, and Kenma exhaled shakily. “You kept your star tears a secret from Yamaguchi for a while, right?”

The line went silent. Kenma bit his tongue. Maybe he should’ve given Tsukishima more of a warning.

“Yeah,” Tsukishima eventually said, words slow and careful. “He didn’t find out until after we graduated.”

Kenma nodded. He figured as much. “Why did you keep it from him?” 

“I never wanted pity.” Tsukishima’s voice was firm. “With you, you understood. And even though my tears aren’t for him, I think some part of Tadashi would’ve pitied me.”

“But he did find out.” Tsukishima’s silence was answer enough. “Do you regret it?”

“I think, if I had the choice, he still wouldn’t know.” Kenma felt a dull stab in his chest. Oh. “Not because of anything to do with him, but I know he worries. I hate that he worries.”

Kenma blinked. “But he would worry regardless. It’s Yamaguchi.”

Tsukishima snorted. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He sighed, and Kenma tensed at the weight of it. “You want to hear something that really warrants pity?”

“...What?”

“I lost the color of his hair.”

Kenma’s heart stopped. “Completely?”

“Completely.” Tsukishima’s voice purposefully light, as if he was talking about how the sun was setting or how the tides were just a little higher at the beach. “Now all I see in its place is a dull grey.”

Kenma pressed his hand over his chest, as if his touch along could stop the way his heart was racing. He hadn’t lost any colors completely yet. The color of Hinata’s eyes had faded to a dull tan, and the bright shade of pink his cheeks would get after a particularly long game was now a washed out red, but they were still there. The colors faded, but never to grey. Never to nothing. 

Kenma couldn’t imagine never seeing the color of Hinata’s hair. That thought scared him more than the thought of why he hadn’t lost any colors yet.

“That sucks,” Kenma spoke softly into his phone.

“Yeah.”

##  -

What surprised Kenma the most about the training camp was how eager he was to see Hinata. 

Enthusiasm wasn’t something Kenma was used to. It was different from the feeling he got when he played his games. When he played games, his mind was busy with strategies and stats and inventory. He had to pay close attention in order to win. And on the court, Kenma viewed Hinata from those lenses too. He tried to figure out the best way to box him in and keep him down.

But outside of their practice matches, he was eager about Hinata in a different way. He didn’t watch him to see his weaknesses or flaws. Kenma watched him to catch his smiles and his pouts and the way his hair bounced when he was particularly excited about something. 

It was a type of watching Kenma wasn’t used to. Not looking for the sake of calculation, but looking for the sake of just looking.

He found himself roped into a lot of things because of it.

“Kenma, set for me?” Hinata asked. He didn’t ask it like he expected Kenma to, or like he’d be upset if Kenma said no. That alone was enough for Kenma to say yes.

He didn’t miss the fact that Karsuno’s usual setter didn’t seem to be around.

“That was another really good set!” Hinata said after he landed from his high jump. Kenma just nodded, not quite sure how to verbalize the warm feeling he got in his chest at Hinata’s compliment.

“Oh, Kenma, are you setting?” Kenma frowned as Lev walked up to them. He had to set for Lev all the time - he did not want to endure it in his free time too. “Can I hit some too?”

“I’m helping Shouyou right now,” Kenma said flatly. 

“Aw, you can set for two people!” Lev’s voice turned into a whine at the end, and Kenma pursed his lips at the sound. “You're  _ our _ setter, how else am I going to be the ace unless I practice with our setter.”

“Yeah, you can join too!” Hinata said, and Kenma wanted to throw the ball in his hand at. “I didn’t mean to steal Kenma! It’s just that me and Kageyama…”

Kenma tensed at the name of the other setter. He turned to catch a glimpse at Hinata, and his heart squeezed at the expression on Hinata’s face. Dejection wasn’t an emotion he’d ever seen on Hinata. It didn’t suit him. 

Something had clearly happened with Kageyama. Oh. Well, that explained a lot.

Kenma didn’t know Kageyama very well. He knew he was scary and intense and cared about volleyball a lot more than Kenma did. Kenma knew that Kageyama could help Hinata fly. 

Maybe being the type of person Hinata would fall in love with wasn’t a matter of making the people around him better. Maybe it was just about if he could make Hinata better. 

Kenma’s fingers tightened on the ball in his hand. He couldn’t think of a single way he did.

“Okay, so Kenma you can set for both of us,” Lev said, leaning close into Kenma’s space. Kenma was almost used to Lev’s lack of boundaries, but right then all it did was make him feel trapped, make the lump in his throat feel even more obtrusive, make the tears he felt collecting behind his eyes burn like a brand.

“I--”

“Leave Kenma alone,” Yaku said, coming up from behind Lev and tugging him back to the corner. “We’re not done with receive practice yet.”

“Aw,” Hinata said, and Kenma didn’t want to hear that. He didn’t want to hear confirmation that this alone time meant something to Kenma that it didn’t mean to Hinata. 

Kenma pushed the ball in his hands towards Hinata, and headed to the exit of the gym. 

“Wait, Kenma you’re leaving already?” Kenma didn’t need to look back to hear the disappointment in Hinata’s voice. “You only did five sets though?”

Kenma didn’t know how to explain how much five sets were for him. Didn’t know how to explain how guilty he felt hearing the disappointment. Didn’t know how to explain he would’ve loved to stay but there were stars in his tears and tears in his eyes and the only person who could do something about them didn’t understand how much five sets were for him.

So Kenma just kept walking. He walked away from Hinata and past all the gyms and around the corner of a building, and collapsed against it. 

He wasn’t sure when the tears started. All he knew was that by the time his knees hit the rough ground, tears were falling from his eyes relentlessly. His nails dug into the dirt beneath him as he felt a single sob shake his entire body. 

This was awful. This was worse than he’d ever felt before. Was this what it was like to be constantly around the person you loved?

Kenma never wished so badly for the ability to yank his heart from his chest and discard it on the street. Maybe even give it to Hinata, since at that point, neither one of them wanted to have anything to do with. 

He couldn’t even go find Kuroo because he was off playing with other people, and Kenma couldn’t get his tears to stop for the life of him. So Kenma just sat there, the sun already gone, but its heat still lingering. 

Eventually, his breathing evened out. He didn’t know how much time passed but it did. His tears were still rolling down his cheeks, but they were a distant afterthought. The small hiss that came as the tears met the grass wasn’t even registering. 

Given this, Kenma should’ve heard the footsteps approaching him. Maybe it was the exhaustion. Whatever it was, Kenma nearly jumped out of his skin when someone walked around the corner and nearly stepped on him.

“Oh,” Karasuno’s number 11 said. “It’s you.”

Kenma didn’t bother replying, too focused instead on wiping his tears from his face. It was dark out, which meant they were even more vibrant than usual. Hopefully, the tall middle blocker hadn’t seen the tears before. Maybe he would just think it was a trick of the light. 

“You must have been crying a lot,” the other boy said, nodding down at the ground in front of Kenma. His heart dropped. He completely forgot about the burned grass. “Let me guess - it’s Hinata.”

Kenma froze. He’d never spoken to this guy a single day in his life. How the hell did he know? “How…”

“Pathetic recognizes pathetic.” Kenma narrowed his eyes until the meaning of the words registered. His eyes widened as the boy sat next to him, and pulled his glasses from his face. Kenma’s breath caught as he saw the tears that had collected behind them.

“You have it too…” Kenma trailed off. He’d never properly met another person with star tear disease before. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what he wanted to hear half the time.

“I don’t just have it - I have it for  _ Hinata _ too.” Kenma’s mouth parted in surprise. The other boy glanced at him and scoffed. “Why are you looking at me like that? You’ve met him. It shouldn’t be that surprising.”

Kenma thought about Hinata’s smiling face as he complimented his set, and felt his throat constrict. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“My name is Tsukishima. Since I’m assuming you don’t know anyone on our team by name besides Hinata.”

“Oh. Tsukki.” Kenma then remembered how Kuroo had mentioned that he was mentoring one of Karasuno’s middle blockers. Kenma had thought he’d been bullshitting him.

“No, not Tsukki.” Kenma huffed out a breath of laughter as Tsukishima scowled. “I thought you weren’t as obnoxious as Bokuto and Kuroo, Kenma.”

Kenma blinked. “You know my name?”

Tsukishima shrugged. “I’ve spent the last couple free practices with those two idiots. You come up.” He hesitated, before also adding, “And Hinata mentions you sometimes.”

Kenma’s breath hitched. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Tsukishima sighed before he rested his head back against the building. “I wasn’t sure if saying that would help or not.”

Kenma looked up to follow his gaze. “I’m not sure either.”

“This sucks.” Kenma snorted at Tsukishima’s words, and his chest felt lighter than it had all evening.

“Yeah.”

“But he’s…” Tsukishima trailed off and Kenma just nodded. Hinata was beyond anything the two of them could put into words.

The clouds crossed the sky, and Kenma’s eyes widened at the moon. It was full and bright and looked large in the dark summer sky.

“You know, the moon’s light is just a reflection of the sun.” Kenma glanced at Tsukishima as the taller boy spoke. There was a bitter smile on his face; but, it was a smile nonetheless. “The moon’s light is the thing people write poems about, and it’s not even really anything special about the moon. It always comes back to the sun.”

“Yeah,” Kenma replied, wishing desperately for the right words. He, of all people, should know what to say. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before he turned his head to look back at the moon. It looked so lonely. Kenma bit his lip. At least he and Tsukishima didn’t have to be alone in this anymore. 

Kenma brought his arms over his knees, and rested his chin on top of them. “That sucks too.”

“Yeah.”

##  -

Kenma’s tears never followed a schedule. He obviously cried whenever he thought about Hinata too much, but sometimes they also came completely unbidden.

It was strange, to be doing something as mundane as filing your nails, and then to be suddenly struck by the urge to cry. After six years of this, Kenma got used to fighting them back when they were inconvenient, but he still fell prey to them from time to time. 

Today, it happened while he was brushing his teeth. 

Kenma wouldn’t think much of it usually. However, because he was brushing his teeth, Kenma was standing in front of a mirror. He could fully see the tears as they began to gently run down his face.

Kenma dropped his toothbrush.

There were still stars in his tears. They still hissed as they met the ground. The sound of Hinata’s laugh still played. 

But there were fewer stars than there’d been before. 

Kenma’s mind began to race. He can’t remember the last time he got a good look at his tears. It had to have been months ago.

How long had this been happening for?

Kenma didn’t know all the ins and outs of star tear disease. He’d looked into when he first got it, and everything he read just made him feel so sad that he’d never looked it up again.

But Kenma could guess what this meant. It meant his tears were clearing up.

Kenma didn’t want to think about that too much. As much as he hated them, he was used to the star tears. It had been a part of his life for the past six years, he had no idea what to do with this change. Star tears have only meant one thing for him, and for that to shift and change now was terrifying. 

So he doesn’t think about it. Kenma wiped his tears like he had always done, and continued with his day.

But he couldn’t keep it to himself. He’d never been able to keep his worries about his star tears to himself. So while he and Kuroo were out, shopping for a new suit for Kuroo’s next public interview, he brought it up.

“I’ve always wanted to try a red suit, but I think the JVA would say it’s too flashy,” Kuroo said as he pulled said suit from the rack and held it up to his body. “What do you think?”

“It’s too flashy.” Kuroo pouted and Kenma rolled his eyes before pulling a different suit jacket from further down the rack. “This one is better. The red isn’t as bright.”

“It’s more wine than red though…” Kuroo mumbled before he grinned. “But it’s as close as I’m going to get.”

“Good, now go find some pants to go with it so we can get it tailored.” 

Kuroo raised an eyebrow at Kenma. “You really are antsy today. Something on your mind?”

Kenma bit his inner cheek. Kuroo had given him an opening. He just needed to say it. 

“My stars…” Kenma trailed off, and Kuroo turned to him in concern. Kenma swallowed and tried again. “My stars are fading.”

Kuroo stilled as he looked down at Kenma, and he shook his head slowly. “What does that mean?”

“They’re still there.” Kenma gestured uselessly at his face, as if that would will the tears to appear. “But now, there are less stars in them. They sparkle less. And they're quieter, too.”

The intensity of which Kuroo was staring at Kenma made his eyes widen. He continued to stare before slowly shaking his head at Kenma. “Why are you telling  _ me _ this?”

Kenma tugged at his fingers nervously. “I- I don’t know? I just always tell you about these things, I guess.”

He’d never thought twice of it. Had never been forced to because Kuroo had never asked him. 

Kuroo closed his eyes and exhaled heavily. “Right. I’m sorry. I just haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

Kuroo rubbed his eyes with his hands, and Kenma followed the motion with his own eyes. They hadn’t talked about Kuroo’s star tears since that drunken night all those months ago. Kenma refused to bring it up again, and Kuroo hadn’t mentioned it himself.

But as he watched Kuroo rub at his eyes, the exact same thought crossed Kenma’s mind that he had when he’d first found out about Kuroo’s star tears.

How could anyone not love Kuroo back?

Back then, he hadn’t thought much of it. Kuroo was his best friend. He never wanted him to have to suffer through star tear disease. 

Now, though, the thought made his heart thump loudly in his chest.

Fuck. Kenma couldn’t do this right now.

Kenma barely even understood what his tears were doing with themselves, but there was a chance he was finally moving on from them. Kuroo had been in love with some other person for years. The last thing he needed was to jump from one emotionally unavailable person to another one.

“Let’s finish everything here, and then nap at my place then,” Kenma said, pulling the jacket from Kuroo’s grip. “My new weighted blanket came in the mail today.”

“Aw, you’d let me use your special blanket?” Kuroo teased, sounding a little better than before. Good.

“No, I was just telling you that. I’m not going to let you use it before I get to.”

And life continued from there. Kenma talked with Hinata. He lamented with Tsukishima. He spent his time with Kuroo. He cried and tried not to look at his tears as they fell.

And one day, while he was feeling particularly nostalgic, he decided to look at pictures taken from his final year of high school. He was still close with his old Nekoma teammates, so it wasn’t like he was looking at strangers. But things were different then. Seeing them every day was much different from seeing them a couple of times a year.

The next picture Kenma gets to is one of him and Hinata. He hasn’t talked to Hinata in a few weeks now, and Kenma missed him, but was also quite proud. It was difficult to find ways to watch his games, but what Kenma managed to see blew him away.

Hinata had grown so much. He wasn’t the kid in the picture sitting next to a younger Kenma, with watermelon stuffed into his face. 

A moment too late, Kenma registered the tear falling from his cheek. His heart stopped as he realized it was going to hit the picture, but he couldn’t move it fast enough. It landed on the picture, before slowly rolling towards the edges. 

Kenma stopped breathing.

The tear was clear. For the first time in seven years, Kenma thought of Hinata and his tears were free of all stars. They didn’t twinkle, or glimmer, and when they fell from his face to his sink in front of him, there wasn’t a hiss from the heat. There were no bells to harmonize with laughter.

Kenma’s tears were normal, and that meant either his feelings were gone or that they were finally returned. He didn’t know which one he wanted to be true. He didn’t know which was less terrifying. 

His phone buzzed, and Kenma grabbed it automatically. He needed some semblance of normality. However, when he saw the message, he nearly dropped it again.

**Shouyou:**

**KENMA**

**IM FLYING IN TO TOKYO TMRW :O**

**IM SPENDING A FEW DAYS IN THE CITY**

**ARE YOU FREE?**

##  -

Kenma flopped back on Kuroo’s bed. They’d managed to make it to nationals. The entire team had been celebrating for the past several days, but Kenma was exhausted by it all. He just wanted a chance to finally relax.

“That’s my bed, you know?”

“You’re the one who dragged me to another celebration dinner.” Kenma retorted. He didn’t even like barbecue that much.

“Well, Bokuto and Akaashi were happy for us!” Kuroo sat gracelessly on the bed beside Kenma, his thigh just barely brushing Kenma’s head. “And it was a free dinner!”

“More like happy for the chance to beat us again,” Kenma grumbled. Kuroo laughed, his entire body shaking and shaking the bed with him. Kenma swatted at him.

“Well, at least now we can try and make the battle of the trash heap happen,” Kuroo said with a sigh, stretching out his arms behind him to rest back on. 

Kenma groaned. “Can we not talk about that right now?”

Kenma was, of course, happy to see Hinata. No matter what he went through, he was always going to be happy to see Hinata. But seeing him so much in person was becoming increasingly difficult.

“You’re being too dramatic.” Kenma brought a hand up to hit Kuroo again, but this time he caught it. “You’ll be playing against him for the most part, or watching him play from the stands. And when you do hang out, you’ll have plenty of excuses to duck out if you need to. Just use call on Lev, or point at something shiny to distract Shrimpy.”

“Shut up.” Kenma was still nervous, but the way Kuroo was tracing his finger over his palm was relaxing. “It’s just hard, okay? Can you imagine seeing the person you’re in love with every day, while they have no feelings for you? That sounds awful, and I’ll have to deal with that for a week.”

Kenma frowned. Well, that was probably what Tsukishima went through all the time. He should probably message him soon. They talked regularly enough, but Kenma had been absent because of prelims and outings and everything. 

Kuroo dropped Kenma’s hand.

“Yeah.” Kuroo’s voice sounded funny, but before Kenma could tilt his head back to look at him, Kuroo was standing from the bed and walking towards his door. “I’m going to go see what snacks the kitchen has.”

Kenma frowned. “We literally just ate, how could you be thinking of snacks?”

“I’m a growing boy,” Kuroo said as he brought his hand up to wave Kenma off. Kenma rolled his eyes but let it be. Kuroo was just weird sometimes. 

He at least seemed back to normal when he came back upstairs. He flopped down on top of Kenma, and Kenma pushed him off while complaining loudly about how heavy Kuroo was, and things were as they usually were.

Kenma borrowed some clothes from Kuroo as he usually did. He brushed his teeth using the spare toothbrush he left at Kuroo's place like he usually did. He settled himself on the far side of Kuroo’s bed like he usually did.

He said goodnight to Kuroo hours after Kuroo said goodnight to him, the level of his game finally beaten. It didn’t matter if Kuroo didn’t hear him. Kenma would always say it back eventually.

The unusual happened when the sun peeked over the sky the next morning.

Kenma blinked his eyes open slowly. It was early, he could tell from the way the sun was just barely lighting up the room. Barely, but still enough for it to rouse Kenma from his sleep.

He hated that Kuroo left his curtains open while he slept. 

He rolled over, his back to the window, fully intending on getting some sleep. He almost managed to when the sound of soft bells invaded his mind. He panicked for a brief moment, before he realized he wasn’t crying at all.

Wait. He’d heard this melody before. 

Slowly, so not to disturb Kuroo, Kenma pulled the blanket off his head. He looked up, trying to find the source of the sound, and then his blood went cold. 

Kuroo was leaning against his headboard with his arm pressed over his face. Spilling from behind his arm were tears full of crushed little stars. They landed on Kuroo’s shirt with quiet hisses. Kuroo wasn’t even flinching.

Kenma wanted to shake his head, wanted this to be some awful dream, wanted to pull the stars from Kuroo’s tears and put them in his own. 

Kuroo had star tear disease. His best friend had star tear disease.

Kenma wanted to cry himself. Kuroo was the last person Kenma would ever wish star tears on, the last person Kenma would even expect to get star tears. He was incredible, and had shown it countless times but just being him. How could he, of all people, have star tears?

Kenma didn’t know what to do. Clearly Kuroo hadn’t wanted Kenma to see. He was likely still in bed because he hadn’t wanted to chance waking him up.

Kenma was so overwhelmed and heartbroken for Kuroo, and yet his mind kept coming back to the fact that the melody of the tears was so familiar. It sounded like a softer version of something Kenma knew by heart. He couldn’t place it though, either because it was so different or because his mind was already spinning too fast to truly process it. 

Kuroo sighed shakily, and Kenma immediately shut his eyes. Kuroo didn’t move, but Kenma didn’t want to risk him knowing he saw. Kuroo hadn’t told him yet, but he was probably still coming to terms with it. 

It didn’t make any sense though. Kuroo was one of the best people Kenma knew. He was a dork, and obnoxious, and more provocative than ever necessary, but he was so good. He was considerate and smart and made everyone on the team better just by being around him.

How could anyone not love Kuroo back?

-

Kenma fiddled with his phone as he waited for Kuroo to join him at the table of the bakery they were in. He wasn’t even playing any games. He would scroll through his applications, go back to his messages, see his conversation with Hinata, and start the process all over again.

It was grating on his nerves. He couldn’t seem to stop.

“Here’s your apple pie,” Kuroo said, placing the small plate in front of Kenma. Kenma nodded in thanks, fully expecting Kuroo to take a seat across from him. Instead, Kuroo slid into the booth next to him with a green tea tiramisu for himself.

Kenma wouldn’t think much of it, except for the fact that this meant Kuroo couldn’t look at Kenma directly. Something his best friend had been avoiding for weeks now. 

Kenma tried calling him out on it before, but Kuroo just brushed him off. 

But Kenma certainly wasn’t in the state of mind to call him out on it now.  He wasn't prepared to put himself under that kind of stress, not with the anxiety of seeing Hinata in person for the first time in years looming over him . 

Not with what he was considering telling him. Not with the fact that he was seeing him in less than an hour.

“It’s going to get cold,” Kuroo said, pulling Kenma from his thoughts. Kenma shifted his gaze to look down at the pie, and couldn’t find it in him to eat. 

“You know, you don’t have to tell him.” Kenma turned to look at Kuroo, but his best friend was staring down at his own desert. “You can still tell him your feelings, and try and work that out, but you don’t have to tell him about the tears. They’re gone now anyway, right?”

Kenma nodded slowly. Part of him still thought it was a fluke. That maybe it was like that time he’d drunkenly cried in Kuroo arms, and his tears would be full of stars the next time he cried.

But he felt different. He couldn’t explain it, but something in him told him the tears were gone.

It was frightening. 

“I still want him around, no matter what.” Kenma brought his fork up to stab half-heartedly at the pie. “But, I think in order for that to happen, I have to tell him. Things will be tense if I don’t, and he’ll never understand why.”

“Okay.” That single word was enough for Kenma to breath a little easier.

They finished up at the bakery, neither one of them eating their desserts completely, and stood on the streets of Tokyo as people around them passed them by.

“I’ll message you when I’m done.” Kenma looked up at Kuroo when he spoke. He knew he was worried about Kenma, but he also knew there was something else going on. He just wanted Kuroo to  _ look _ at him. It would make it easier to read him.

“Call if you want.” Kuroo shrugged, looking the opposite direction that Kenma was heading. “And good luck.”

Kenma nodded, hesitating before turning away. He wanted to hug Kuroo goodbye. That wasn’t really something they did though. Hugs were for crying, and being reunited after spending lots of time apart, and comfort, and the big emotions that he and Kuroo didn’t often have to deal with.

Still, in this easily forgettable moment, Kenma wanted to hug him. 

Instead, he turned away with a wave, and made his way down the block to the hotel Hinata was staying at.

While Kenma knew he wanted to tell Hinata everything, he wasn’t sure how he was going to even bring it up. Hinata wouldn’t be expecting it, and there wasn’t really a natural way to include it in the conversation. 

As he pressed the button in the elevator for Hinata’s floor, he figured he was overthinking this. Not because it was simple, but because it was impossible to do this in a way that went exactly as he wanted.

He was talking about unrequited love. Of course it was going to be messy.

Still, as prepared as he was to expect the unexpected, nothing could’ve prepared Kenma for the way Hinata opened the door to his hotel room, took one look at Kenma, and immediately burst into tears.

Kenma panicked, not having a clue as to do what to do, before Hinata was pulling him in for a tight hug. Kenma blinked and hugged him back. Hinata had gotten taller - bigger too. 

It was only then that Kenma realized that Hinata was speaking.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed, barely managing to get the words out in between his tears. “I’m sorry Kenma, I’m so sorry.”

Kenma tried not to let his body tense up. In that moment, there was very little Hinata could be sorry for. There was even less that could warrant him bawling his eyes out in Kenma’s arms. Kenma could think of one reason, but he silently hoped, prayed, and begged that it wasn’t what he’d managed to keep a secret for six years.

Kenma gently pushed Hinata back by the shoulders, and took in the crying man in his arms. Kenma pursed his lips. 

“Let’s go inside.”

Once they were in the room, Kenma on the stiff arm chair and Hinata sitting directly in front of him on the corner of the bed, a tense sort of silence fell over them, broken only by Hinata’s occasional sniffle.

Kenma took a deep breath. He should say something. “I missed you, by the way.”

Hinata looked up at Kenma with his large eyes, and he started crying all over again. Kenma's eyes widened. 

“I’m sorry,” Hinata said again, but this time he seemed to be talking about the tears he was anxiously wiping at. Kenma pressed his lips together.

“You said that earlier, too.” Hinata’s shoulders guiltily crept up, and Kenma felt dread rise in his stomach. “Why were you apologizing, Shouyou?”

Hinata took a shaky breath, but he did manage to look Kenma in the eyes when he said. “I...know. About the tears.” 

Kenma heart seized in his chest. He suspected it a little when Hinata had started saying sorry, but having it confirmed was so much worse. 

There were a million questions running through Kenma’s mind. The one that probably mattered the least for the future, but the most for Kenma’s sanity was, “How?”

Hinata fiddled with his thumbs. “It’s sort of a long story.”

Kenma gave him a flat look. Hinata laughed nervously.

“Well, I guess it all started when I was in Brazil? Did you know Oikawa was playing in Argentina?”

“Shouyou, I don’t even know who Oikawa is.”

Hinata blinked, as if the thought had never crossed his mind. “Oh. Right, I guess you wouldn’t. Well, you remember Seijoh?” Kenma blinked at Hinata. “Well, anyway, he was a volleyball player in Miyagi when we were in high school. He was really good, too. Still is really good!”

Hinata blushed when he said it, and Kenma raised his eyebrows. He’d seen a lot of Hinata’s blushes. Hell, now that his star tears were gone, he was able to see this one to its full extent. It was different from any of the ones he remembered. It was more...embarrassed. 

“We met up, and we sort of started…” Hinata was really blushing now, and Kenma was surprised to find he wasn’t jealous. In fact, he was sort of trying to stop himself from laughing. Hinata whipped his head up in alarm. “Wait, I’m sorry, I don’t have to talk about this part--”

“Shouyou, it’s fine,” Kenma interrupted, smiling gently. “I would like to know what this has to do with me though.”

“Well the thing is, I never really thought about  _ anyone _ like that until Oikawa.” Kenma blinked rapidly at Hinata, and he laughed again. “I never thought about romance at all in high school. Everything was volleyball. If Oikawa hadn’t approached me first and been so...Oikawa about it, I probably wouldn’t have even realized how  _ he _ felt for me.”

Understanding flood over Kenma at Hinata’s words. That made a lot of sense actually. Of course Hinata never noticed how gone for him half the volleyball teams in Japan seemed to be for him. That never mattered to him.

“But the thing is, Oikawa had a...strange relationship with Kageyama.” Kenma furrowed his brows. He hadn’t thought about the other setter for some time now. “And after we got together, Oikawa made a comment about how Kageyama had been in love with me in high school. And I,” Hinata stopped there, staring distantly at the ground. “I told him there was no way. That Kageyama only ever saw me as a teammate.”

Kenma’s eyes widened. Hinata nodded as he smiled shakily. “Yeah. That was the same face Oikawa made too. He said he didn’t believe me, but he let it drop. But  _ I _ couldn’t let it drop. So I tried to find some answers. I called Yamaguchi.”

Kenma felt the dread start to rise again. Things were beginning to fall into place. “Oh.”

“He panicked when I called,” Hinata continued, seemingly blind and deaf to Kenma’s presence. “I was trying to be vague about it, and I guess he took it the wrong way and he brought up Tsukishima--”

Hinata exhaled a shuddering breath. “It all kind of began a mess from there. I was so confused because now Tsukishima was part of the mix and I just wanted answers at that point. And when Yamaguchi realized I wasn’t talking about Tsukishima, I think he was just trying to take the attention off him when he mentioned…”

“Me.” Kenma wasn’t surprised Tsukishima told Yamaguchi about him. He had told Kuroo about Tsukishima. Neither of them had ever discussed this, but it was unspoken. Of course their best friends would know. 

“And then,” oh, wonderful, there was more, “I called Tsukishima. He didn’t mention you at all, but he did talk about the tears. He didn’t really want to talk much more after that. And then everything just started to make sense.”

Kenma nodded, unsure what to say. It wasn’t like he was upset Hinata knew. That was part of the reason he agreed to see him under such short notice. 

He still would’ve liked to have told him on his own terms.

“Can I ask you two things?” Hinata asked softly. “Two things, and then you can say whatever you want to me?”

Kenma nodded again, honestly a little grateful. He didn’t even know what he wanted to begin saying.

“Is there anyone else?” Hinata’s voice broke at the final word, and Kenma felt helpless as he wiped at his eyes again. “I mean, I feel like I just keep finding out more…”

Kenma considered his answer. As far as he knew for certain, no. But he and Tsukishima had talked about this. They knew what the first stages of it looked like. Kenma remembered a blonde setter from Inarizaki. A white haired boy from Kamemodai. Remembered seeing his own lovestruck look reflected on their faces.

“I don’t know for sure,” Kenma said carefully before he continued as gently as possibly, “But...I wouldn’t be surprised if there were.”

Hinata nodded slowly, his hands twisting into the blanket beneath him. “I feel so awful. And so  _ dumb _ . Why didn’t anyone ever tell me? Did I do something…”

“No!” Kenma shook his head emphatically at Hinata. “You didn’t do anything wrong at all. It had nothing to do with  _ you _ personally - most of us barely even told anyone. The only reason we never told you was because we knew it would hurt you. Shouyou, if I had them for anyone else, I probably would’ve told you by now. But because the tears were for you…”

Kenma’s words trailed to a stop, and then his brain followed suit, and then his heart froze. His words sounded too familiar, sounded too much like what his best friend had told him almost a year ago. 

There was one reason why Kuroo would never tell Kenma after all these years. One huge, obvious, terrible, gut-wrenching reason.

Kenma hoped it wasn’t true. He desperately didn’t want it to be true. Because that would mean that since high school, at least, every time Kenma came crying to Kuroo about Hinata, Kuroo was suffering in silence over his feelings for Kenma.

Kenma brought a hand to cover his mouth. No. There was no way. Kenma would’ve noticed, would’ve found out, would’ve  _ realized _ \--

“Kenma?” Kenma looked up to see Hinata looking at him in confusion. Hinata, who had never noticed a single person who had star tears disease for him. Hinata, who had two people on his own team and in his same year and still never figured it out. Hinata, whose closest friends all kept it from him for the sole reason of protecting him.

Fuck. 

Kenma felt every emotion he’d ever felt begin to war in him. Sadness was heavy, weighing him down until he just wanted to curl up in a ball, while frustration made the ends of his hands twist. But there was another emotion - one that had been slowly building over years - that pressed so insistently against Kenma’s chest that he could barely breathe.

Kuroo had loved him. Kuroo had been in love with him. Kuroo may still love him. 

Kenma’s heart skipped.

“I’m okay,” Kenma breathed, eyes unfocused as he finally answered Hinata’s unanswered question. “There’s just a lot I’m trying to process right now.”

Half a decade of Kuroo he was trying to rewire his brain around.

“I don’t know if my next question will help then.” Kenma blinked at Hinata, and he finally noticed the blush on his cheeks. It was startlingly similar to the one he’d had earlier. “I’m honestly not sure about anything right now. I’m not even sure how long I’ll stay in Japan for. I’m also not sure who I’m interested in, or if I even am interested in anyone right now. But...if you want to try  _ something _ , I’m willing to too.”

Kenma’s lips parted. Absentmindedly, his hand drifted from his chin to his cheek. His star tears were gone now. That could mean anything. 

There were no stars to guide his choice. It would just be Kenma.

##  -

Nationals was more overwhelming than Kenma had ever anticipated, and volleyball played no role in that.

On the one hand, Kenma was swept up in Hinata. They’re both busy playing games, and they’re not staying at the same lodging, so it wasn’t as bad as Kenma feared it would be. He saw Hinata in intervals, each short meeting exciting, and each ending just before it became too much for Kenma. It was nice, and the closest Kenma felt to being normal around Hinata since the disease started.

On the other hand, Kenma was also trying to figure out who Kuroo had feelings for. His best friend still hadn’t told him, and it had been weeks after Kenma had found out. Every day that passed caused his stomach to sink deeper at the thought of Kuroo never telling him.

Part of him knew he should respect his friend’s privacy. He wasn’t owed any part of Kuroo, and he shouldn’t push his already lax boundaries.

But a larger part wanted to know who was hurting his best friend like this. Know and drag them to Kuroo so he could point out all the best parts about him. 

But it was much more difficult than he anticipated. Outside of the Nekoma team, there were exactly four people Kenma actually wanted to talk to at Nationals - and one of them was Hinata, who he couldn’t even take talking to for too long. Kuroo, on the other hand, seemed to have friends on every team. He even had buddies from Fukuoka - how the hell did Kuroo know anyone from all the way in Fukuoka?

It was frustrating, because while Kuroo was closer to some than others, he never seemed in love with any of them. He never cut his time short with any of them unexpectedly, never froze up or seemed worried about getting too close, never kept staring at any of them even after they went their separate ways.

It was almost as if Kenma had seen a fluke. That, or Kuroo was just handling everything much better than Kenma was. Maybe that was the reason why he still hadn’t told Kenma. He figured he’d be better off handling it on his own.

Kenma tried not to let thoughts like that take hold.

It wasn’t like Kenma was offered much time to think about it anyway. 

The Battle of the Trash Heap ended up being the best Kenma ever felt about volleyball. Hell, it even felt better than playing video games. It was fun. He had never expected fun. Hinata had made good on his promise.

And then Kenma turned to thank Kuroo. Because even if there was someone out there who didn’t love him back, Kenma would make sure Kuroo knew that Kenma appreciated how much he did for him.

“Wait, hold on just a second.”

Kenma frowned as Kuroo turned away from him, hiding his face from everyone. He was such a weirdo.

It wasn’t like Nationals suddenly ended there. They all went out to eat together. He and Kuroo and the rest of Nekoma all still watched Fukurodani’s next game. Karasuno played against Kamomedai.

Hinata got sick.

Kenma’s heart broke for him.

He did what he could - gave Hinata a tablet and tried his best to comfort him - but it hadn’t felt like much at all. 

And then Nationals was over. Kenma was still in Tokyo, but everyone else was gone. The next thing Kenma knew graduation was rolling around the corner, so sudden it was like it had appeared out of nowhere. 

“I’m still going to be in Tokyo,” Kuroo shrugged as he and Kenma walked home from Kuroo’s practice. “Things won’t be all that different.”

“Yaku is going to Russia.”

Kuroo snorted, and he bent over a little so he could look Kenma in the eyes. “Okay, okay, somethings will be different, but--”

Kuroo stopped cold in his tracks, staring directly at Kenma in horror. Kenma’s eyes went wide with panic.

“What? What is it?”

“Your eyes…” Kuroo was staring at Kenma like his entire face had melted off. Kenma brought up a hand to check just in case. “Kenma, what’s wrong with your eyes?”

“What do you mean, nothing is wrong with them?” At least Kenma didn’t think there was. They weren’t even red since he hadn’t stayed up playing games the night before. “Are you messing with me right now, Kuro?” Because I swear--”

“No, no.” Kuroo pressed his hands into his eyes, and his voice came out strained. “It must’ve just been the trick of the light, plus I didn’t sleep well last night.”

Kenma frowned. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah.” Nothing about the way Kuroo said ‘yeah’ made Kenma feel any better. “I just remembered I left something in the club room though.”

Kenma sighed, and back in the direction of the gym. Kuroo pulled him back with a gentle pull on his backpack. He walked past Kenma, already facing away from him.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to get home late because of my dumb mistake.”

Kenma furrowed his brow. It wasn’t like this was anything new. Kenma was just glad Kuroo remembered before they got on the train. “Kuro, I don’t--”

“It’s fine, I’ll meet you at your place after.” 

Kenma opened his mouth to protest, but Kuroo already started jogging back. Kenma huffed, his backpack straps falling to his elbows. 

Yeah. Kuroo was such a weirdo.

##  -

Kenma didn’t think twice as he made his way out of Hinata’s hotel. He pulled out his phone and sent Kuroo a simple text asking him where he was and praying to anyone who would listen that Kuroo was at his apartment. When Kuroo replied saying just as much, Kenma was so relieved he nearly cried.

It would’ve been his first time crying tears of joy in ages.

The sun was already setting as he caught the first taxi he could find. He quickly told the driver the address, and he tried not to panic too much as the car seemed to leave the sun in its wake.

It didn’t matter if he was wrong. If Kuroo’s tears had never been for him, then fine. Kenma still wanted to try with him. Kuroo had given him so much love at this point, and Kenma wanted to return it all two times over. 

And if Kenma wasn’t wrong, if Kuroo had suffered through star tears for over half a decade over him, then Kenma would just have to return it all ten times over.

Either way, for him, he was choosing Kuroo. He wanted to choose Kuroo, so long as Kuroo would let him.

And as the taxi pulled up to the apartment complex, Kenma let that thought settle him. 

Kuroo lived on one of the highest floors in his building. It was nice, but Kenma’s place was bigger so they just spent more of their time there. As Kenma turned the spare key he’d been given ages ago and opened the door to the apartment, he was surprised by how unlived in it looked. 

It was cozy, and the directions made it look inviting, but it felt empty. He wondered if Kuroo felt that too. He hoped he didn’t feel it when he was at Kenma’s place.

The lights were all off in the living space, which was strange. Kuroo had said he was home, but the entire apartment looked empty. Kenma frowned, kicking off his shoes as he called out to let Kuroo know he was there.

Nothing greeted him. Kenma’s frown deepened. He flicked on the lights, and walked past the kitchen, down the hallway, checked the bedrooms, and circled back to the living room with a huff.

Where the hell was he?

There was movement from the corner of his eyes, and Kenma finally registered the balcony doors in the back of the apartment. Hesitantly, he made his way over, and carefully turned the door handle so it wouldn’t squeak. Holding his breath, he pushed the door open as quietly as possible.

There, sitting on the edge of his balcony with his legs through the fencing and dangling off the edge, was Kuroo. 

“You’re here.” Kenma's voice was a whisper as he closed the door behind him. It was twilight, the city bathed in just enough light that Kenma could still clearly see Kuroo.

Kuroo didn’t even flinch at the sound of his voice. “I said I would be.” He waved his phone in the air, but he wouldn’t look back at Kenma.

“Kuro, you’re not looking at me.”

Kuroo hummed in response. “How’d it go with Hinata?”

Kenma studied Kuroo’s back. There had never been a point in his life where he’d second guess stepping up to Kuroo’s side. But Kuroo felt closed off in a way that made Kenma want to give him his space.

Kenma settled on the ground where he stood, his legs crossing in front of him, and rested his head back on the door. “It went well. I don’t think closure is a thing, but I think I got as close to it as I’m ever going to get.”

Kenma kept his eyes carefully trained on Kuroo, so he caught when his shoulders rose minutely. “So you told him.”

“I told him.” Kenma paused, twiddling with his fingers before continuing, “He said...well he said a lot of things. He was hurt no one ever told him. And he said he wasn’t sure if he felt the same, but that he was willing to give us a try.”

Kuroo nodded slowly. “I’m happy for you.”

Kenma blinked. There was no bitterness in his words. Not even a hint of disappointment or anger. Kuroo meant it. Kenma’s hands curled around the fabric over his knees.

“I said no.” 

Kenma had never known the city to be quiet. Not just because of the cicadas, or the cars, or all the many things that made Tokyo so overwhelming to him as a child. He had never known the city to be quiet because he had Kuroo. In all the bustling of the city, Kuroo noisiness was his one constant. Whether that be on words or laughter or bouncing knees rustling jeans, Kuroo was always a cacophony of sounds. 

Right then, Kenma had never known silence like that. 

"What do you mean no?” Kuroo’s voice was strained in a way Kenma didn’t know how to understand. 

"I have something that I need to ask you." Kenma saw the way Kuroo tensed, the way that tension melted into bitter acceptance, and then the way his head hung heavy. He knew that Kuroo knew what Kenma was about to ask before he even said the words.

"Are your star tears for me? "

"Please don't tell me that's the reason why you said no to Hinata.” There was anger and frustration in Kuroo’s voice. It was a tone Kenma had never heard Kuroo use before, and Kenma couldn’t tell if it was because of him, or the situation.

"Is that a yes?" 

"Oh my God,” Kuroo brought a hand to run through his hair. "Yes, it's a yes. Kenma, you know it's a yes. Now will you answer my damn question? " 

“I said no to Hinata because I realized I had feelings for you,” Kenma said in one breath. Kuroo didn’t look appeased.

“Did you realize those feelings before or after you realized how I felt about you.”

Kenma frowned at the direction Kuroo seemed to be headed, but answered truthfully. “After.”

“Go call Hinata.” Kenma winced at the words. “Maybe you’re not too late.”

“Kuro,” Kenma said sharply, standing in place. “I’m not here because I’m settling. I’m here because I chose you.”

“Because I’m safe.”

“Stop putting words in my mouth!” Kenma’s voice seemed to echo over the skyline, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “I figured it out right after Hinata asked me out. I had two options in front of me, and I wanted you.”

“Why?” It was a single word, yet Kuroo’s voice still broke around it. Kenma’s anger melted away. He was taking Kuroo’s feelings for granted. Again.

“I don’t know why,” Kenma said, much more softly. “At that moment, I just knew I wanted you. And if you tell me no now, that’s fine. But I’m not running back to Hinata. You’re not just some reconciliation prize for me. You’re my choice.”

Kuroo sniffed, and Kenma's heart broke as he realized he was crying. He took a single step towards him, and tried not to let it hurt him when Kuroo raised his hand to stop him.

“You know, my tears have been clearing up for a while.” Kuroo’s voice warbled as he spoke, but Kenma caught every word. “It was so slow I barely even noticed it. But once I did, I thought it couldn’t be true because there was no way you would ever return my feelings.”

“Why not?”

“It felt impossible.” Kuroo huffed out a dry chuckle. “I felt like you never even saw me, Kenma.”

“I don’t think I really did,” Kenma confessed softly. He kept his eyes trained on Kuroo though as he continued with, “But I do see you now. I get it, though, if that’s not enough.”

“Not being enough isn’t the problem,” Kuroo said with a helpless sort of shrug. “If I could’ve moved on from you, I would’ve done it ages ago, if just to be able to see the color of your eyes again.”

Kenma’s breath caught.

He hadn’t realized just how in love with him Kuroo was - Kuroo apparently still is. And it honestly scared him a little bit. He knew he wasn’t quite there yet, that he needed time to fall  _ that _ in love with Kuroo. He’d just started embracing these new, terrifying feelings for his best friend. It was all still so fresh.

But he also knew that he was willing to give as much of himself as possible for Kuroo. And that Kuroo would take it without complaints.

“Can you see them now?” Kenma asked shakily, watching as Kuroo immediately tenses. Silence blanketed over them, so Kenma swallowed and repeated. “The color of my eyes, I mean. Can you see them now?”

“I know what you’re talking about, Kenma,” Kuroo replied, voice sounding rawer than Kenma had ever heard it in his life. 

He watched as Kuroo started tapping his fingers nervously on his knee, and he silently willed him to turn and look at him. There was no way for Kenma to know what Kuroo would see when he looked at him. This could all turn out horribly, and Kenma was taking a risk getting Kuroo’s hopes up like this.

But he was certain. Kuroo would see gold.

And when Kuroo finally twisted his torso to look back at Kenma, and when his eyes widened as they made eye contact before tears started welling up in them, Kenma couldn’t stop the tears that started gathering in his own eyes. 

##  -

They never did get another Battle of the Trash Heap again.

Both teams made it to nationals, but Karasuno was out early at the hands of Inarizaki and Nekoma made it just one round further before losing to Itachiyama. They had practice battles of course, and training camps, and countless memories between them.

But Karasuno and Nekoma don’t meet again in an official match. At least, not while Kenma was on the team.

And then suddenly, he wasn’t on the team anymore. 

“It’s quite surreal that we’re actually graduating,” Akaashi said as he sat on the floor of Kenma's room with him. He, Bokuto, and Kuroo are helping him pack up his things. Next weekend, he and Kuroo will meet Bokuto at Akaashi’s home and do the same.

Kenma folded his umpteenth sweater, and wondered if he should maybe cut down on them. “It was only a matter of time.”

“Still, a part of me will miss it.” Akaashi looked forlornly at the volleyball in the corner of Kenma’s room and his heart squeezed.

He would’ve liked one more match with Hinata. Even if just a practice match.

“So you don’t plan on continuing with it either?” Akaashi looked surprised at the question, and Kenma just shrugged, happy to have any attention from him. “You’re good enough to play at college at least.”

Akaashi chuckled. “Thank you. But no, I won’t be continuing with volleyball.”

“Kuroo didn’t either,” Kenma said with a frown. “I think it has something to do with--”

Kenma cut himself off with a click of his mouth. He and Akaashi were close, but he’d never told him about his star tears. How could someone as happily in love as Akaashi was ever relate to him? 

And if he’d never told him about his own star tears, he wasn’t going to tell him about Kuroo’s.

Akaashi was perceptive though. “Did something happen to Kuroo-san?”

Kenma opened his mouth but nothing came out. Akaashi continued. “Or was it someone?”

“I--”

“There’s been something off about Kuroo for a while now, but I’m sure you of all people have noticed it too.”

“Akaashi--”

“Bokuto told me once he thought there was a chance that Kuroo-san had star tears.” Kenma shut his eyes. Bokuto had always been more perceptive than anyone gave him credit for. “He also told me he was pretty sure you had them too.”

Way more perceptive.

“I never really believed him.” The unspoken ‘until now’ hung in the air between them. Akaashi studied Kenma for a long time. “Are you sure it’s the best idea for you to move in with Kuroo-san?” 

Kenma whipped his head up to look at Akaashi. “What? Why wouldn’t it be?”

Akaashi opened his mouth, but was interrupted by Kuroo’s entrance. He smirked, carrying in more empty cardboard boxes. “Akaashi’s just jealous that his university doesn’t allow freshmen to live off campus.”

Kenma rolled his eyes and turned to look at Akaashi, but the other boy’s stare was trained on Kuroo. It was piercing, and a little pitying, and Kenma had no idea what to make of it.

“Kenma.” He looked up at Kuroo, whose back was to him as he set the boxes on top of his desk. “Your mom wanted you. She had pictures she wanted to know if you were going to take.”

Kenma frowned. He wasn’t sure if he believed Kuroo, but Kenma wasn’t sure he wanted to endure his mother’s lecturing if he was telling the truth.

Standing up with a huff, he made his way downstairs where he knew his mother was waiting. He made a bemused expression when he saw her pointing at an open picture book with Bokuto.

“Kenma!” Bokuto said when he saw him. “You used to smile a lot more when you were a baby.”

“Life’s been downhill since then.” Kenma’s mother tsked at him, and Kenma did his best not to roll his eyes. “Kuro said you had some pictures for me?”

“These on the corner.” She slid them over to him, and didn’t even look up from the baby pictures in front of him. She turned to look back at Bokuto. “His hair grew so fast, I was able to put ponytails on him in no time.”

Kenma did roll his eyes as he walked away and made his way back up the stairs. Just outside the door to his bedroom, he heard Akaashi and Kuroo talking, but he paused. They both sounded so frustrated.

“I don’t understand why you torture yourself like this,” Akaashi said disapprovingly. 

“Stop being so dramatic, it’s not torture.” Kenma leaned in close to the door, his heart racing. Were they talking about Kuroo’s star tears?

“It sucks,” Kuroo continued. “And I wish it was different. But this, my life, how I spend it and who I spend it with? That’s my choice to make. And I’d choose this every time.”

Kenma’s mouth parted in surprise, and his heart seized in his chest. Whoever Kuroo was in love with was an idiot.

##  -

Kenma poked Kuroo’s shoulder with his socked foot.

“I could not more clearly be in the middle of something,” Kuroo said as his eyes remained trained on the book in his hand. His other hand came up to grab Kenma’s foot and push it gently back on the couch. 

Kenma frowned. “That’s not even for work or anything. You’re just reading for fun. Like a nerd.”

Kuroo’s lip quirked up, and Kenma tried not to let it show how pleased the action made him. Not that Kuroo would notice, as fixated on his book as he was. 

“You are either very needy right now, or very bored.” Kuroo glanced at Kenma with a grin. “My money’s on needy.”

“It’s boredom,” Kenma said flatly. Kuroo hummed, and simply turned the page of his book. Kenma resisted the urge to poke him again for exactly three minutes before he was nudging Kuroo's thigh with his foot.

Kuroo didn’t react. Kenma pursed his lips. Kenma did actually have something he wanted to say to him. Kuroo was just being difficult.

Kenma led his foot up, poking at Kuroo’s hip, then arm, then back up at his shoulder. Kuroo didn’t even swat him away. Kenma sighed, letting his foot plop down on Kuroo’s lap.

Kuroo caught it before it landed, reaching out for Kenma’s other foot, and letting them both rest on him. He then rested his hand on Kenma’s calf, stroking the skin there with a contented smile on his face.

Kenma’s toes curled. Maybe he was a little needy. He was definitely a little nervous. 

Kenma still wanted to mess with Kuroo for pointing that out.

“Kuro.” Kenma waited until Kuroo put down his book, and looked over at Kenma with a single raised brow. He made sure to maintain eye contact as he clearly and carefully said, “Tetsurou.”

Immediately, Kuroo’s entire face went red all over as his eyes widened, and Kenma found himself relishing the reaction. He didn’t just say his name to tease though. 

“I love you,” Kenma said, this time his voice soft and his gaze tender. Kuroo’s hand stilled over his legs, but Kenma continued staring at him. “I love you, Tetsurou.”

“You love me,” Kuroo repeated. It reminded Kenma of that night all those months ago, when Kuroo had repeated after Kenma in disbelief when he’d confessed to him. Except this time, there was no disbelief. Just Kuroo’s smile, bright and warm and happy as Kenma said ‘I love you’ for the first time.

“Yeah, I love you.” Kenma felt giddy at the words, and would be embarrassed by the feeling if it wasn’t all too clear that Kuroo felt the same. 

Kuroo placed the book fully on the side table, and turned to crawl over Kenma. 

“Love me enough to install a rainfall shower head in our bathroom?” Kuroo asked, hovering close above Kenma. 

Kenma smirked, dragging his hands under Kuroo’s shirt and up the skin of his back. “If you pay for it.”

“So mean.” Kuroo ducked even closer, his lips tracing a line up to Kenma’s ear. His body was so warm on top of him Kenma thought he would simply burn up from his touch alone. 

“I love you, too,” Kuroo whispered softly against the shell of Kenma’s ear. It was the first time Kuroo had said the words too, ever careful of pressuring or overwhelming Kenma. 

It was just one of the ways their relationship had progressed strangely. On the one hand, Kuroo had moved in quickly, already practically living with Kenma anyway. Kenma started taking him on dates immediately as well, though Kuroo insisted he had plenty of his own plans for them.

But there were small things that took a while to overcome. Kuroo’s hand hesitating before intertwining with Kenma’s. Kenma’s shy embarrassment when he caught Kuroo simply staring at his eyes. Crossing that inch between them that used to exist when they lay in bed together. 

They went slow for the things Kenma wasn’t used to. Kuroo went slow for him. It was no wonder it took him such a short time to fall fully in love with him.

Kenma didn’t think twice before pulling Kuroo’s lips to his. Kuroo’s hands slid up to Kenma’s face, his thumbs brushing over his cheeks. The trails of warmth they left behind never burned. 

**Author's Note:**

> i just think it was bold of us all to assume that hinata harem was requited :)
> 
> JOKES ASIDE AHAHAHA thank you for reading, it really means the world!!!!!! here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/neenswrites) if u want to yell at me or yell with me alskdfjasdklfj
> 
> i don't THINK i'll be revisiting this universe BUT WHO'S TO SAY certainly not me alskdjfasld


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